| damn it damn it damn it |
[May. 3rd, 2007|09:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
wow. Drastic change of events as of late.
Chris???
Justin!!!???!!!
Well...let's just say I'm a fool. fool. fool.
I don't even really want to go there right now.
I have a new white door laying in my room...just waiting for someone to put it up...I doubt that will ever happen. No one even cares whether or not I have a decent amount of privacy. No one ever has.
Justin's on his way over right now.
BLAH. I have to go work tomorrow...I don't even want to see Mr. Cole. At all. I've had enough of him this past week. Enough for a lifetime. He's annoying.
.....so yea. I'm an idiot. Like usual. |
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| waiting for psych |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
So...I've decided to take English 200 over the summer. I'm also going to retake Anatomy next semester so I can get a higher grade...
In the fall I'm going to apply to the nursing school at VCU and I'm also going to apply at Bon Secours. Either way I'll end up with a BSN...blahh.
So, Chris told me last night that he thinks he's falling in love with me. It was scary. Did he mean it? I'm worried about all this. I like him, yea, but I mean...I don't know if I even want to think about love right now.
He told me he wanted to go to school so I'd stay with him. It came out of nowhere, but it made me feel so great. If you knew Chris and knew how he was/is...you'd be amazed. He definitely is a sweetheart...
Damn, I'm tired. Today is going to be a nap day when I get home...I can feel it.
So yea. The probation officer is coming to look at our house on May 3rd. Needless to say my mother is freaking out. She's on some rampage trying to get the house together...so far, it isn't working.
I'm on my period. At least I know I'm not pregnant. That's reassuring....I just wish I wasn't so bloated and cramped. oww. |
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[Apr. 20th, 2007|10:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Wow...update is definitely needed.
Mike..is an idiot and I wish he'd dissapear.
Chris Greiner..is a sweetheart <3. I mean it.
Mike keeps trying to start shit with Chris and I just feel like I'm going to scare Chris away, even though I have no control what Mike and his little friends do.
...I agreed to be Chris' girlfriend last night. gahh.
so yea. I'm tired. |
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| Ovaries of Love |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|10:50 pm] |
Wow...I've never had the desire to see my ovaries, but I saw them today. Little blobs. Except one is huge. Huge and filled with black stuff. Eww. So it's a cyst. And it's no big deal. So why am I still grossed out about it. It will either rupture or get bigger. Get bigger?0.0 I thought these things were supposed to be dangerous. Like cancer spawning.
.......
Apparently I am boycotting proper sentences. yay.
....... |
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| fun and pains |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|07:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
I went to the doctor today to get a pap smear so my birth control could be renewed. While I was there I gave a urine sample. I told the doctor I was having some belly cramps..and when my urine had been examined shhe said she found some small amounts of blood in it. So now, I am scheduled for an ultrasound. I hope it isn't anything serious, I hope I'm not pregnant either. The ultrasound will tell all.
I am waiting for Ugly Betty to come on. I love Premieres. This show better be good with all the hype surrounding it. I'm a bit skeptical.
Samantha was in the hospital today. Apparently she has pneumonia, the stomach flu, bronchitis, and a Urinary Tract infection. She sounded sooo raspy earlier today, but she just called me a few moments ago and she's fine. So fine in fact that she was giggling and hanging out with friends. So what is up with her lately? She says she is eating 600 calories a day. Every time I talk to her she wants to talk about how she's light headed or how she ate a hashbrown for breakfast so she did good. I just want to grab her throat and tell her....look, dumbass. It's not a game. Do you think that this is funny? Do you want what I was...do you need to see the pictures of me again? When my size 0 jeans were falling off of me? Do you think that's what you want? I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU DIE FROM THAT....ok...so...basically. I am a bit exhausted from her drama and attention seeking behavior.
Boo.. |
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[Feb. 12th, 2006|09:00 pm] |
This weekend at Carrie's was CRAZY! I had alot of fun!!!!!! We danced like whoa!
It snowed and it was soooo pretty!
Today was fun. We went to Captain Georges with Justin's family then went to the amazing Yankee Candle store! It was huge and so awesome inside. It is my new favorite store ever. I got some nice smelling candles!
I took Justin back after that, which is never fun because then I am lonely. He goes out for a month tomorrow, and I am not too excited about it.
I am pretty tired from this weekend, so I hope I am good by tomorrow. I want this week to fly by. |
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| Pointless |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|09:18 pm] |
Have you ever felt like life is pointless?
Well I feel like that quite often, but usually there is some happiness that I can pull out of the corner of my mind and be at least slightly content for a while. However, at the moment, I can't find it. No matter how hard I search. Nothing is right. Nothing.
I feel ugly....all the way around. Hideously ugly and fat...all the time....everyday. I hate it with a passion. I feel hideous on the inside. I don't like who I am sometimes.
But you know...I get over it...and move on...and try to make things better for myself. But lately...I have discovered that I am a peon. A nobody if you will. I will never be important.
I think the only person I can really talk to is Katie. She actually wants to hear me. She knows why I feel particularly down right now. I don't know what I can do to make it better. No matter what I lose out terribly. I don't want to open my eyes in the morning at times. I want to sleep right through to the next night. Perhaps I am trying to tell myself something.
Who knows....all I know is I am being a little child right now, but you know what...no more so than anyone around me. |
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[Nov. 13th, 2005|10:54 pm] |
Mad Girl's Love Song
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
The Fearful
This man makes a pseudonym
And crawls behind it like a worm.
This woman on the telephone
Says she is a man, not a woman.
The mask increases, eats the worm,
Stripes for mouth and eyes and nose,
The voice of the woman hollows---
More and more like a dead one,
Worms in the glottal stops.
She hates
The thought of a baby---
Stealer of cells, stealer of beauty---
She would rather be dead than fat,
Dead and perfect, like Nefertit,
Hearing the fierce mask magnify
The silver limbo of each eye
Where the child can never swim,
Where there is only him and him.
Sylvia Plath, was a strange but brilliant woman. |
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[Nov. 1st, 2005|07:58 pm] |
The hazy heat of the illusion has left me.
Frigid reality now saturates my body.
Laughing faces.
Desperate stabs.
Flinging about in anger.
Angry that I've lost control.
Angry that my eyes are opened.
I cahse after my womb of security,
never to catch it again.
Laughing faces.
Desperate stabs.
The ties are cut with a painful blade,
leaving me turning back in anguish.
I grope in the darkness, but feel no warmth.
My loneliness has begun.
I sink to the dirt in horror.
Laughing faces.
Desperate stabs.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The acid sizzles on her gorgeous face.
She must be put in her rightful place.
Those pretty features no longer there,
her dearest love holds back her hair.
Cheers go up as she lets out a cry,
and raises her hands up to the sky.
When the acid's thorough damage is done,
she is released and begins to run. |
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| Monday night....YES |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|02:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
To my extreme delight, there is no school tomorrow. I care nothing about election day, however due to the lack of school, I am quite fond of it.
The day is almost over. I only need to survive Trig class before I board my bus and read my lovely vampire book all the way home.
Tonight I am going out to eat with my mother and brother. This should be interesting. Mom usually finds some way to ruin a good night. After that, I am going to make a decent attempt to get to mechanicsville.I miss some of my friends, and I am worried about Britney. Also, rumors of Randy's new girlfriend keep coming my way. I am very happy for him. I told him he would find someone, and now he has no reason to be sad.
I plan to take advantage of the day off to catch up on sleep. I feel slightly like a droning zombie at this point. (Yes, I am goofy enough to type that.)
On a completely different note, my car went to the shop yesterday and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! They put new spark plugs on it, and soon mom is buying me brand new tires. Her exact words were...
"I'm going to put brand new tires on it for you, and they're gonna be top of the line. I know your friends in Mechanicsville are gonna be jealous of your fuckin car."
Sometimes my mother amazes me. I like tires! heehee.
In addition to this, I'd like to once again remind Ronnie that in our relationship, we both are going to do things and go places that may make each other a little uncomfortable. However, we need to remember that we can have confidence and trust. I hope that he understands that. However, if it becomes unbearable for him, I will cease to go places that bother him. |
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[Oct. 25th, 2004|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
I saw this on someone else's livejournal and I thought it made a valid point.
[15 Mar 2004|09:25pm]
You're more punk,hardcore, mod, straightedge, emo, indie than me. Your hair is cooler, your pants are tighter, you have more tattoos. You have cooler pins on your messenger bag and your favorite band is more obscure than mine. Your shoes are more vintage and so is your t-shirt. You own more black clothes than me. I don't even own a trucker cap OR a denim jacket. Your glasses are thicker and blacker than mine, the plugs in your ears are bigger. You know more people in bands and your black jelly bracelets are the envy of scenesters everywhere. Your photography is blacker and whiter, your Makeoutclub profile is wittier, and you have much better soul records. Your tie is whiter, or redder, or blacker. Your scene points are double, perhaps triple, mine. Because as we all know, that's what really matters. In a scene where the music has taken a backseat to the haircuts, you win and I lose. |
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[Oct. 25th, 2004|12:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
YAY word counter!!!!
I use the word ronnie 44 times...I thought I used it much more than that..odd
The weekend went well, I went to KD Sunday with mama, ronnie, calvin, and paul. It was fun, a little rainy and such, but fun.
This week MUST contain minimal obstacles. I wish to cruise through it to the next weekend.
OH, and tomorrow I have a field trip! I love field trips! |
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| Some will never understand. |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|12:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
My baby died last night. I cried my eyes out. He meant so much to me that I can't take him not being here.
Oscar was important to me from the day I got him. He was like my child. I know that might sound a bit strange, but I loved him that much. He was always so silly and awkward, and he made me laugh all the time. I loved his stubborn little ways, and the way he'd always sit on my homework when I tried to do it. I loved his little baby face, and his annoying little hungry meows. God I miss him so much. I am crying right now, because I just need him back. He was always there for me. He couldn't talk, but when I needed him to just be there he was. I love the times I just snuggled with him and listened to him purr. I love his crazy kneading my stomach when he was trying to get comfortable.
He was so innocent and perfect. He didn't deserve to get leukemia. He was my baby! Why is it that often the most innocent and perfect beings get cancer? How is this all decided? I haven't ever heard of a bad person getting cancer.
This is killing me. Now, I am supposed to go to pennsylvania to get my car, and it wont be enjoyable at all, because Oscar wont be going with us. He was always so crazy during road trips. He'd plop down on one of us, or steal Hope's seat, or even sit right up there on the dashboard. He always made our trips more fun.
I just wish I could see him again. I want to see his little face in the window wanting in again. I want him to be in my life. HE was supposed to move out with me, and be there for me. I HATE THIS WORLD SO MUCH. I HATE IT.
I love you Oscar Meyer. You will always be my little baby. |
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| And some were just meant to be beautiful |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|08:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
I just got back from the gym. You know what I noticed tonight? Little children are beautiful. Even the ugly ones. Yes, that is a contradiction, but allow me to explain. All small children do not care how others view them. They are open with their emotions and their actions. You can look into their eyes and see their soul. I noticed this while in the pool, and watching all these crazy little children splash around. It was beautiful. I wish I could be that beautiful.
This weekend was decent. Nothing very lovely happened.
Friday- chilled, went to visit CB, then visit Inga and Melinda, then went home and to sleep.
Saturday- Went to work with mother, walked around Richmond. Came home, went to Marshie's party. It sucked ass. Then came home, went to sleep.
Sunday, which is today- Woke up, did a lil homework, cleaned a lil...now I am sitting here waiting for dinner.
This week should be alright...considering we dont have school friday. I am trying to figure out what I can do. HMMM.
OH!!!! I almost forgot. I have a car now. lol. It is a 98 firebird. It is in pennsylvania. I am getting it Sunday hopefully. I AM SO HAPPY...SO HAPPY. I love my mom so very much for buying it for me!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| To go or not to go |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | float on --modest mouse | ] |
Hmmm.... I haven't been to c.a.p in a while and I miss some people. I have decided! I will go for a little while. Then I shall come home and do random stuff!!!! YES, I love stuff!!!!
You know what else I love???? SUNCHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!I think I would be a sunchip if only I could. Alas, I am incapable of becoming such a higher being.
Ronnie apparently is still at work covered in strange radioactive chemicals. Hmm....maybe he will begin to grow a tail.
Today Chris and Ronnie started screaming at eachother in the hallway. It was not the greatest thing in the world. The problem is really between Tyler and Nat, but whatever.
Also, Ronnie si confused about some things and is extremely upset. Look though, I swear I did nothing wrong. I love Ronnie, I do!!! I'd die for him. I would bring him roses in school just to prove it and see him blush. lol. |
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| And the days shall seem like centuries |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|04:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beautiful by HIM | ] |
Today is Thursday. I have almost completed another seemingly useless week of "school". Tomorrow, being Friday, is supposed to relieve me of the week and rejuvenate me. However, I have begun to notice that the weekend makes me more tired than the actual week. Perhaps this is due to my busy social schedule, this I do not know. I am not actually trying to prove a point, I just thought it was quite an interesting angle.
After being sick for two days, I was happy to return to school today. Unfortunately my day was not all that I had expected it to be. My Trig grades are lacking, and I am now behind on more than one class. I must put forth effort to retain what started off as a decent six weeks.
Tomorrow's highlight is the crab carnival. I am riding the bus home with Travis, and then soon after we are departing to West Point. There, we still plan to meet up with Holly.
Saturday's plans are still underway. Aaron is extremely happy that I agreed to attend the homecoming with him.
Sunday is still negotiable.
I do need to set aside homework time during the weekend. If only it contained a few more days.
I miss Mechanicsville. I must return there this weekend for a few moments to say hello to my friends.
Now I must ask a random question, for my own benefit. Does anyone actually read this? Yes, I write here mainly for myself, but I do become curious. I hope that those who read this entry will make a small comment to inform me that they read it. That's all. |
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[Sep. 26th, 2004|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
My voice is completely gone. I can't talk above a whisper. In some ways I sort of like it.
Thie weekend was immensely fun. I have loved every minute of it. Ronnie and I have spent much time together, which is a very good thing.
The ring dance was fun. LOL, and now Nathaniel thinks I said something about his beautiful Inga during it. Did I??? Only he knows the answer to that. He thinks that he can scare me by saying he will tell people about my slitting and my problems. I do not care. I would like to see him scream it in the hallways. Nothing so meaningless will ever hurt me.
Today I have an audition at 4:30. I am looking forward to it, and I am hoping Ronnie will come with me. I think I am more attached to him now than ever. Sorry Nathaniel..seems you'll have to wait even longer to get what you want. haha. |
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[Sep. 23rd, 2004|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
Thank god tomorrow is Friday. I am so tired I could die. Nathaniel is a faggot bitch. I am very upset about life in general and the way it is going. I have too much homework. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want it to be Saturday! This entry sucks...
lol.
I need to go to sleep but I cant seem to close my eyes. Im sick again..and my throat hurts..So I am inhaling popsicles. YUM. |
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| 4 MONTHS |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|07:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Benjamin | ] |
Today is my four month anniversary with Ronnie. We are not counting the break up..it is still four months, because even when we did break up, we still acted like we were together.
Ronnie now has a job, which pleases my mother. Now he will be much happier, and my mom will ease up on him alot.
Today was wack...I didnt do so very well on the paper I wrote..it sucks. I have a feeling that class needs to have more time spent on it..So I will do so tonight. If I ever pull myself away from the computer.
Tomorrow night I am goin up to Mechanicsville to chill for a little bit. Should be fun times. I love to ride around and hang out with people.
Wednesday Terd is supposed to come over. I am becoming closer friends with him, because he is just really cool.
Thursday I might be returning to Mechanicsville
Friday...Im going to the Ring dance most likely. Then who knows, I'll prolly chill with ronnie.
And that's as far as I have planned out.
I need to go do my homework. |
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| doctors appointment tomorrow |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM- Wicked game | ] |
This weekend was aight.
Friday- went up to Mechanicsville chilled with Taz, Aaron, Randy, Ryan, Tyler, and so on....
Saturday- Went out with Randy and Alex. we went to Bill Talley Ford to finalize his new car. Then we went to eat at Roma's pizza, then went to the cigarette outlet. Later on, I had Ronnie over and we went on a walk then watched a movie. After he left I went to Robert's house and watched Carrie. He had to walk me home because I was scared.
Sunday- woke up, decided to go to the gym. We picked up Ronnie on the way. Stayed there a couple hours, then came home. Went to sleep for a while. Woke up, Randy and Kevin called and wanted to know if I wanted to get out of the house for a lil bit, cuz he was showin his car to kevin. Went out for like an hour, then came home. Here I am now!
I just got of the phone with Terd. We talked about nothing but it was pretty funny.
Tomorrow I get to find out if I have diabetes or not. I am very concerned about it. I would hate to have to give myself a shot all the time. I'd refuse to do it and eventually die. I am trying to get Ronnie or someone to take me because I get ancy when they take blood out of my arm and I can see it go through the little tube into a container. I need someone to hold my hand and such.
I think the little thing in my mind that tells me whn I have had enough sleep is broken. I sleep all the time, and I am so tired. I swear, I am tired when I am sleeping. Also, I am so fucking thirsty it is killing me. Hmm...all signs of diabetes...I am becoming paranoid. Now, I shall go back to sleep. |
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